compiled by Janice Moerschel

Government can't be bought? Too bad for the Cheyenne-Arapaho Indians of Oklahoma, who thought it could be. All they wanted was 7500 acres of land that had been taken from their tribe over 100 years ago. So the destitute tribe (which suffers an 80% unemployment rate) gave $107,000 to the Democratic National Committee after lawyer Mike Turpen, a major DNC fund raiser in Oklahoma, assured them that a $100,000 donation would secure their heart's desire. But since the November election, the tribe has only received requests for more money. Now the DNC says it will return the funds. What a disappointment for the Cheyenne-Arapaho! But, this may establish a new precedent for campaign contributions: money-back guarantee if you don't get what you paid for!

Too many doctors? The government says ''yes'' and will pay New York City hospitals not to train them! (The ''logic'' behind this is that too many doctors means higher medical costs!) About 30 years ago, the federal government thought there weren't enough doctors, so they paid (through the U.S. Health Care Financing Administration) hospitals for each medical resident they trained. This year the cost is $7 billion to train doctors. But now--surprise, surprise--the government claims we have too many doctors! The cure? Pay $400 million over a six-year period to train 25% fewer doctors! This makes as much ''sense'' as paying farmers not to grow crops
. . . but the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has approved the proposal put forth by New York state hospitals and politicians.

Grandmas loaded. When intruders broke into the mobile home of Dorothy Cunningham, 75, and Marty Killinger, 61, the women were prepared. Cunningham, using her Luger, fired several shots over the heads of three young intruders who were subsequently arrested on suspicion of first-degree burglary and second-degree attempted robbery. Grant County (WA) Sheriff Bill Wiester said that, ''Henceforth, Dorothy Cunningham and Marty Killinger will be known as the Pistol-Packing Grandmas'' and ''This is a clear message to criminals that senior citizens won't tolerate this type of behavior from these young punks.''

''Zero tolerance'' run amuck in Louisiana. Eight-year-old Kameryan Lueng was expelled from her school for above-average students and sent to the Redirection Academy (a school of last resort for problem kids). Why? The pocket watch she brought to school, belonging to her grandfather, held an inch-long blade on its chain. Kameryan's father said that the blade on the watch is ''used for cleaning your fingernails and your cuticles.'' Nevertheless, Miss Lueng must spend about a month at the Redirection Academy for her violation of school weapons policy.

Latest danger: speeding golf carts. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration has proposed regulations for golf carts which can attain speeds between 15 and 25 mph. The NHTSA considers these to be golf ''cars'' and wants them equipped with headlights, turn signals, tail lights, reflectors, mirrors, parking brakes, windshields, and seatbelts. The golf cars must also bear a sticker that says ''WARNING: This vehicle must not be operated on the public roads at a speed more than 25mph.''

Seen any speeding golf carts lately?